Fang Trim, Anyone?

My life has been interesting, exciting and sometimes devastating but never in all the experiences I’ve shared around the globe have I ever been involved in fang trimming, until now.  Oh yes, FangsRus is up an running.  Personally, I have no direct link to a coven – oh, that’s witches, isn’t it? – but can now honestly add ‘vampire’s assistant’ to my CV.  Scary, huh?  Thankfully, I don’t have dentures either but realise vampires have similar problems with retention!  How so?  Well, it’s Haloween and vampires are out and about.  Not quite the same with a missing fang, is it?  The fangs featured in this picture are the very fangs to which I refer.   Google comes up trumps again.  So life-like.  OK, so I haven’t seen a real set but these are just as I imagine they would be.  The fang kit contains dental impression material to ensure the correct fit.  Leaving one in a vol au vent would be a tad embarrassing or worse, choking on it and suffering a real Halloween horror could be terminal.   Arriving at the home of my oldest (in time served and not years) friend on Saturday, I was immersed in a selection of wigs, eyelashes, frogs and the aforementioned fangs as party preparations reached a crescendo, pausing only to do justice to the delicious cheese board!

Now, I should say the trying-on of vampire stuff was interspersed with wedding outfits for next weekend.  I’m not allowing my mind to wander towards the mayhem which might ensue, should the very different sets of apparel become intermingled amid the laughter and hysteria which accompanied the trying on of same.

Three wigs had been ordered but the ’Goth Bride’ gave the best look, all black and purple, long and curly.  This friend whom I’ve known for decades began to transform before my very eyes, assuming the vampire act rather too comfortably, I thought!  Sadly, even had I been going to the party, I had a serious problem.  All the wigs were too small and I ended up looking like a stupid woman with a small wig on her head.  Note to self:  In the next 12 months, research how to insert gusset into Halloween wig.

You may feel that reference to the leaving of a tooth – fang or otherwise – in a vol au vent is just a little ridiculous.  So might I before I went into the offices of a major company on a normal working day to find my boss, who shall remain anonymous for reasons of potential ridicule, locked away in his pen.  That’s what they called the partitioned bits in the open plan office where the top brass were held during working hours.  He seemed particularly uncommunicative, grunting in an unfamiliar way as I cheerily spoke to him.  Had he suffered an early and sudden onset of  ‘second childhood’?  He’d been fine when I left him last night and he was heading for an in-house party.  Grunting like a teenager, I voiced my concern that he was incoherent and suggested perhaps he should sit down.  He did.  Slowly, the awful truth revealed itself as this senior executive began to speak.

As the alcohol flowed, so did the nibbles and a forceful bite into a vol au vent had resulted in the depositing of a tooth in the contents of the pastry case.  Realising a problem with the upper dentition, there was much rummaging amongst the egg filling until missing tooth was located, reclaimed and secreted in jacket pocket – ugh.

Never one to hang around nor ever short of a way to fix things, he’d staggered into his pen, located the super glue and glued his tooth back into it’s socket.  One problem.  Sadly, it was back-to-front and firmly wedged. Being only a weekend husband (as had been all his married life of 30 years), there was nobody to assist on the domestic front.    

Having once been a nurse and used to dealing with the quietly hysterical, I guided said executive out of the building, speaking for him as necessary and drove him to the nearest dentist.  Surgery full.  I know how to pull strings when I have to and in no time, the tooth was being pulled too.  The crown to restore that twinkly smile was very costly in both money and time.  Perhaps super glue should be added to this list of things to be removed from the inebriated, in addition to sharp objects and shoes?

From that day forward he was putty in my hands which, I’m sure, was a real pleasure after the damage inflicted by the glue in his.

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